I was recently passing judgement on people more successful and attractive than myself (as you do) when the conversation (with myself; I have no friends) turned to Rap bands and “plastic” rappers. Plastic rappers being rappers who either:
i) Talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.
ii) Walk the walk but don’t talk the talk.
iii) Suck. Period.
I came up with quite a list of lame-ohs, some of which you’ll know, some you may not (but will be secretly listening to on YouTube for years to come, ‘cos lame rap = guilty pleasure, big time). One thing fo sho tho; you’ll tell people you hate this crap till you’re blue in the face, mainly ‘cuz you a stone gangsta who probably could have killed someone with a Tec 9 if things woulda bin different. Under that demure literate suburban Web surfer exterior there’s a snarling murderer whose crime family has spread its tentacles across the USA and beyond. I know, but just calm the %$#$ down a moment and take a look at my Lamest Rappers. You might disagree with some of the choices, in which case you should let us know, not that we’ll care, but it will qualify as user-generated commentary and hopefully make people think that Live Toast isn’t a lame blog because cool dudes and dudettes such as yourselves are visiting and leaving obscene insults a la YouTube. The lamest Rap tunes of all time were found to be, in no particular order, the following:
1. Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby
2. Heavy D & the Boyz – Now That We’ve Found Love
3. MC Hammer – U Can’t Touch This
Number’s 1, 2 and 3 are of course the unholy trifecta of Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer and Heavy D & the Boyz. They need no introduction, so I won’t bother giving them one. These three songs have probably been responsible for murders since their release between 1990 and 1991, such is the vitriol felt by “real” gangstas and other bad men such as yourself (if things woulda bin different). And it’s only right. You see some plastic rappers pumpin’ this bubblegum then they well overdue an ass whuppin’. Heavy D aside, who sadly passed away in 2011, these men are clearly committing crimes against credibility. Vanilla Ice is currently starring in a DIY TV show with some English contractor dude (major weird) and MC Hammer claims to be building his own search engine! Dafter and dafterer, you might say. Either way, hate on these plastic homeboys all ya like, butcha know you’ll be bopping to these tunes when no-one’s peekin’, ‘cos they’re freakin’ awesome. But don’t quote me on that, Homes. I got my own Walter Mitty nitty gritty self-pity banger in the city trip to think about, ‘aight?
4. Rebel MC and Double Trouble – Street Tuff
This dude’s Wikipedia page is more complicated than a member of some obscure Uzbek warlord tribe that’s interbred with nine others and formed eighty one sub-tribes, all of which have very fetching names, most of which sound like “The Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah” or “Tribe Of Issachar” or something. And that’s for real. Check it out. One thing you won’t find on the dude’s Wiki are references to being arrested for violence or drug dealing, and last time I checked that’s what badass gang-bangers are all about, right? Hmmm, looks like this Limey might be fudgin’ the data. I mean…not even a little ol’ public indecency or drunk and disorderly? Sh*t ain’t right, y’all. Is he a Yankee? No, he’s a Londoner…
5. Betty Boo – Doin’ the Do
For those of you who thought Queen Latifah was the last word on buxom babes with some solid junk in the trunketta, think again. Betty Boo – a bizarre Scots-Dusun hybrid with a penchant for throwin’ off a British secret agent vibe – rose to fame with her laughable “Doin’ the Do” in 1990, the video to which featured Alison Clarkson (for that is her real name) running amok in a high school in a leather suit and stockings, doing such horrible things as dancing in chemistry class and tweaking the noses of her teachers! OMG, she’s a public enemy! And secretly I play this lame song once in a while, mainly for my two year old daughter, honest. Oh, me.
6. Neneh Cherry – Buffalo Stance
Now this one is utter guff. Complete dogdirt, but upon closer inspection I discovered Neneh was from Sweden. Yep. And let’s face it, the Swedes haven’t done anything naughty since around the 11th century, (not including Britt Ekland’s naked dance in the original Wicker Man) so we really shouldn’t expect too much from them. Should we just leave them at that then? After all, this time of year they’re too busy being depressed to be troubled my my lame list.
7. Kriss Kross – Jump
Poor little Kriss & Kriss (“Kriss Kross” is two people). Sounding like the teenie urban cousin of the kid from Musical Youth who sang “Pass the Dutchie”, Kriss attempted to effect an air of menace – no, stop laughing – with his crew, if crew is any word for a gaggle of dubiously mustachioed young men of indeterminate age who stood closely together and, well, jumped. Up and down. Up and down. Oh, and they wore their pants back to front! And, er, that was it. Sorry.
8. Digital Underground – Humpty Dance
I won’t lie to you, I thought this was the real deal when I first heard it back in 1990. When vocalist Shock G sang, “People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty”, I wasn’t exactly sure what that looked like, but one glimpse of Shock G in his big glasses and false Groucho Marx nosepiece soon put me in the picture. I’ll be honest with you, Digital Underground are one of my favorite party bands, because they’re bright and sunny and they always make me laugh. Sometimes even with them, not at them. Amen.
9. Montell Jordan – This Is How We Do It
I can sum the absurdity of this song up in one line: “Designated driver take the keys to my truck.” That’s right, these badass gangsters use a designated driver when they hit the town! I’m awfully sorry boys, but this won’t do! Later in the song vocalist Jordan sings, “South Central does it like nobody does”. Oh yeah, well it sounds like you do it like no gangsta else in South Central does, too, Hometeat. That’s right, I said Hometeat. Designated driver? Jeez!
10. Sir Mix-A-Lot – I Like Big Butts
Now, a few months ago I was in a pretty rowdy bar out in the sticks, jam-packed with crazed alcoholics of every stripe. When this silly little beauty came on the jukebox, an entire gaggle of stricken maniacs immediately began singing it word for word while bopping about like wild turkeys with fireworks taped to their butts. And that was just the barstaff. This made me think (as capable of thinking as I was at that pint, sorry point): Maybe this tune ain’t so bad after all, I mused, and began dancing with them, and sure enough it is now burned into my soul like a bad tattoo from a backstreet needle joint. Fact is, this ain’t serious rap, this is comedy! And that’s why it’s on this list. Rap ain’t funny kids. It’s about killin’ and drugs an’ sex and projects and stuff.
11. Will Smith – Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It
Mr. Smith has had a long and glamorous career. He was well established as a Hollywood actor by the time 1998 rolled around, but he suffered a brilliant brainstorm that saw him release this nugget and the later “Miami”, both of which were pure bubblegum for the masses to chew over at their leisure. Smith’s squeaky cleanish image meant there were never gonna be tons of N-words, C-words, references to crack or Uzis flying around this song, but just between me and you, this Bazooka Joe choon gets me, well, kinda jiggy. But it’s lame.
12. Marky Mark – Good Vibrations
Absolute excrement. Please kill me.