As an Englishman living in the Land of the Freaks, I feel honour-bound to give my account of the upcoming Independence Day holiday. First, let’s get one thing straight from the get-go: In 1776 there was no such thing as a country called America and therefore no such thing as as an American, be it a person, revolution, or whatever. Second, the initital 13 colonies weren’t formed or recognised until 11 years later in the Constitutional Convention of 1787. The so-called “American Revolution” was in fact a war fought between proud and brave British colonists and the formidable British army. But today in America, I see people – many of whom aren’t even of British descent – celebrating “their” victory. It’s a scandal and it will not be allowed to continue unchecked. When my noble ancestors were seeing off the Earl of Sandwich and his bullies, theirs were probably strumming mandolins and singing about sunsets, oblivious to the conflict. Here are a few notable twists in the “American Revolution” both past and present that people don’t know about, but should:
¥ 1778; the Battle of Mountain Dew, in which eleven female English soldiers beat their colonist counterparts in a game of “football”. The Englishwomen turned up for the game wearing t-shirts, shorts, and sneakers. The “Americans” appeared bedecked in thickly padded suits and war helmets, lest their lovely white teeth and pampered pecs be decimated by the wenches of Albion. The English had to explain to the “Americans” that in real football, everybody had to be on the pitch at all times, and actually run faster than four miles an hour in order to secure an advantage. The yanks were outraged at this; the only time they ever ran was when they were late for their full day of church on a Sunday. The score was 14-1 to the ladies.
¥ 1814; We Burned Washington to the Ground. That’s right, you read that correctly. After “America” set up their ridiculous 13 States we decided to go back across the pond and pay you a little visit (once we’d fried some bigger fish like Napoleon Boneparte) and, well, completely wreck your capital city *laughs evilly*! Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, we sailed up the Chespeake Bay and smashed DC to pieces, for a laugh. We burnt the White House and Capitol Building and stole all your women and dogs and ate the President’s dinner (junk food). Oh, lord, they were the days…
¥ 1903; the Fat World Series. In a laughable try at creating an important sport (you know, athletics) “America” decided to stage a “World” Series in baseball. And if you need me to explain why that is %$#^&*% hilarious, please get your coat and mind the door doesn’t hit your arse on the way out.
¥ 1966; the Ku Klux Kavalry Fail. When Beatle John Lennon announced that the Fab Four were “more popular than Jesus” on a US tour, Americans unleashed fire and brimstone, burned Beatles albums in public ceremonies and the Ku Klux Klan picketed Beatles concerts. Brian Epstein, the Beatles gay, Jewish manager, decided a few idiots wearing pillowcases on their heads wasn’t very scary though, and the tour happened anyway.
¥ 1978; the Glue-Sniffers Rebellion. The Brits were on their last legs, but the Brave Colonists desperately needed one last act of defiance and cunning to secure this great nation for themselves. This came during the Sex Pistols tour of the USA, when heroin-addicted punk Sid Vicious became verbally abusive towards his audience at a gig in San Antonio, Texas. Vicious mounted the stage with the words “Gimme a fix” cut into his chest with a razor, called the crowd “a bunch of f*ggots” and proceeded to smack an audience member about the cranium with his guitar, but his arrogance was short-lived. A throng of Texan punks, pretending to be high on Elmer’s glue, stormed the stage and opened up a can of whoop-ass on Vicious’s skinny posterior. Vicious was admitted to hospital and a clear message had been sent to the King’s men that taxation without representation wouldn’t be tolerated. But they said that about the Beatles.
¥ 1985; Shoulder Pads and Big Hair. Basically, you lose.