Today, while hiding in a stock room reading a copy of Grey’s Anatomy, I got to pondering celebrity body parts. No, not like that, take your mind out of the gutter, Toastie. I mean iconic body parts, like Kirk (and Michael) Douglas’s dimple, Carl Malden’s famous “ass nose”, Stephen Hawking’s prosthetic larynx, and Shirley Temple’s precious curls. I began wondering how today’s celebrities would look if they had a couple of iconic celebrity body parts attached to them. After about oh, half a second of giving a %$#@ I decided upon Albert Einstein’s hair and Tom Selleck’s mustache as the body parts I’d experiment with. And when I say “experiment” I mean in the sense that a chimp “experiments” with a monkey turd, before deciding to egg its troupe on to tearing the monkey gang to pieces and eating them all in a vicious bloody frenzy not at all suitable for children. So here are 10 celebs bearing the famous Einstein disarrayed ‘do and Selleck’s discotastic 70s tash.
The Material Girl certainly looks menacing in this Albert crew-cut type style. Kind of Annie Lennox meets Dennis Rodman, which, let’s face it, probably isn’t the look Madge will be going for on the 2012 MDNA tour. Nevertheless, here is the Queen of Pop done up royally as our first celebrity amalgam/hybrid/cryptid, call it what you want, ‘cos I don’t %$#^&*@ care.
2. Bruce Springsteen:
They call him The Boss, but I’m not sure anyone’s gonna take any crap off a guy who resembles a drug-addled failed magician who plies his clumsy-handed trade in a backstreet in some imploded Rustbelt dive. Granted, there is a touch of the Dennis Farina on crack about this weird Brucie get-up, so perhaps our magician didn’t fail and works the Vegas Strip. Either way, he looks a prize halfwit, and so my work here is done.
She thought life was hard with green skin, but a slap-on Selleck tash and a spray of ridiculous hair a la The Dopey One will make her think twice about complaining about the slapheads at Wizard School being color prejudiced. Is it me, or are seeing another variation on the Annie Lennox-basketball-Dennis Farina theme here? I’d better take a shot of something to clear my head before I carry on. I’m seeing things, an’ it’s Wicked.
4. Jeremy Lin:
He’s been hitting the headlines for everything from being over-valued, to having his face on a fortune cookie to being, well, an Asian NBA player, but Jeremy Lin and the NY Knicks would give their fans something to cheer about if he came on court sporting a giant pair of hairy wings and a wild silver messy quiff on his melon. I’d like to see this happen. Yes I would, so if any of you know Jeremy, please send him this article.
With all the problems they’ve had putting on “Turn Off the Dark”, I’d say they needed a little light relief, or at least a minor distraction. The Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus would be helpless with laughter if Spidey came at ’em with a huge mutant Chia Pet hairdo and a mental chimney-sweepin’ tash. His job would be a million times easier, as all he had to do was pick them up off the floor and lead them, giggling to the cop shop!
6. Dave Matthews:
Dear Dave Matthews, you’re very $#@%^&! boring, so I decided to make you more entertaining by turning your noggin into a grey cotton candy clustercrap and obscuring a large part of your tedious face with a massive outcropping of post-pubic manliness courtesy of a popular private detective from another age. All you need to do now is take off that PREPOSTEROUS SHIRT and stop making dumb hand signs and job’s a good ‘un! Your welcome, Live Toast.
7. Tiger Woods:
A sex addict without a tash?! That’s like a peacock without a tail or me without my wig and secret high heels when I hit the bars of Sleazeville acting like I’m 20 years younger than I really am! Sorry, Tiger (Tiger – your mom and dad called you “Tiger”. What’s your brother’s name, Pooh?) but this won’t do, son. We need you DONE UP to KILL instead of puttering about and crying off major tournaments ‘cos you hurt your little leg!
8. Eddie Van Halen:
This pic of Mr. Van Halen kinda defeats the purpose of this article, i.e. to make celebrities look absurd by Photoshopping other celebrities’ body parts upon their countenance, because in Eddie’s case it seems to be an improvement. That is, if you think looking like a sicko granddad out of one of America’s less salubrious housing schemes is an improvement over looking like the portrait David Bowie keeps in his attic.
9. Cee-Lo Green:
Maybe he’s born with it (dwarfism), maybe it’s Maybelline, but either way Cee-Lo Green needs to switch things UP a trifle, doesn’t he? With a splash of Einstein and Selleck Cee-Lo comes alive as some kinda Don King mofo with a Johnny Cochran stash bristlin’ on his top lip like its about to catch itself a juicy one. A juicy what, you may well ask, but unfortunately I am not at liberty to answer that.
10. Elton John:
Elton John the Rocket Man actually looks like Einstein himself in this doctored pic, leading me to believe that I could have just used ol’ Albert’s mustache and forgot about Selleck completely. But that wouldn’t have been the same, and I reckon Elton would much prefer a piece of Magnum P.I. on his face than some weird ol’ geek who sussed out the universe’s mysterious balls almost single-handedly. Especially seeing as Magnum is at least still alive.
So that’s it Toasties. Please feel free to send in suggestions on other celeb body parts we can use to create more of these farcical facsimiles. And be careful out there. People be freakayyy!