With the Super Bowl just a few days away, it’s time for one of my least favorite annual traditions, people saying they only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. At the risk of becoming the official curmudgeon of Live Toast, I’m going on record as saying there are few things as ridiculous as the phrase “I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.” It’s like saying I only go to Disneyland for the lines, I only fly for the crying babies, I only go to concerts to step in vomit.
As far as stupid things people say on an annual basis, this is slightly more annoying than wishing a happy Kwanzaa* or asking what does a bunny have to do with Jesus’ resurrection (it’s religion, since when does any of that make sense). The only thing more annoying is people talking about turducken at Thanksgiving time. Yes it’s crazy people put a duck inside a turkey, get over it, it’s been going on for decades. Enough with the turducken talk (the pumpple cake, now that’s a different story altogether).
I get it, you don’t watch football, that’s cool. There are thousands if not millions of people who couldn’t give a flying fudge about the NFL but still turn out for Super Bowl parties. How about, instead of saying “I only watch it for the commercials” you say “I only watch it to get together with friends and have a few laughs,” or “I only watch it for delicious buffalo wings,” or “I only watch it to get sh*t faced.” Hell even “I only watch it to see bare breasts on national TV.” There are all kinds of reasons to attend a Super Bowl party and still make it clear you don’t give a rats ass about the two teams playing.
Seriously, what the hell kind of depraved existence do you lead that you think setting aside five plus hours to watch commercials is a good idea? In this day and age, what with all the occupy places movements and corporations running the show, surrendering five hours so that you can watch commercials is like taking hometown discount to play for the Yankees, donating money to Mitt Romney’s campaign, voting for Vladimir Putin or using Google Plus (they know enough about you already!). Ideas like this are why companies are willing to spend upwards of $4 million dollars for a 30 second spot! Look at this ridiculous chart!
Look at it! I thought we were in a flippin’ recession! I thought nobody had any money to invest? $4 million dollars is the total GNP of Grenada. For crying out loud, we could give our hard-working President a vacation for that kind of loot. The sad thing is they could donate that money to help starving kids in Africa, hell helping kids in the U.S. learn how to read or something, and nobody would even bat an eye. Instead they give that money to NBC so they can keep making hits like The Event, Wonder Woman or Law & Order: Parking Enforcement Unit.
Here are some different ways to spend that kind of dough:
- Could buy eight Tyrannosaurus Rex teeth.
- Not one, but four three-person submarines.
- A brand spankin’ new M1 Abrams tank cost $6 mil, but I bet you could get a used one for $4 mil. (They say a tank loses half its value after it leaves the lot).
- Could buy 2 of Action Comics #1 aka Super Man’s first appearance.
- Throw in another million and you could own Marilyn Monroe’s subway dress.
I mean if you can feed a hungry child for pennies a day, seems like you could feed the entire African continent with $4 mil!
Sure, some of the commercials are entertaining, but there are hundreds if not thousands of funnier things out there. Here’s Times list of the most viewed YouTube clips, a million times more entertaining than Geico squeezing another 30-second spot out of the lame-to-begin-with caveman bit (#24, the Zombie turtles fan, gets better each time). The caveman thing might have been a little bit entertaining in the original commercial, five fn years ago! This is just pure diarrhea by now and it’s time for it to stop. Spend four hours at the Onion and you’ll not only laugh a lot harder, but they’ll also make you think about what’s going on in this crazy world.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be watching the Super Bowl, and I’ll probably even enjoy some of the commercials. But I’m not setting aside five hours on a Sunday to exclusively watch commercials. If you are one of the thousands, millions?, of people who “only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials,” here are some better things to do with your time:
- Read a book
- Converse with friends
- Get drunk
- Eat too much
- Sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done
- Talk with your kids, better yet combine it with #1 and read them a book
- Play cornhole
- Watch the first two seasons of The Trailer Park Boys
- Write your congressman and senators and tell them to get their head out of their ass and get to work
So if you actually are one of the people who only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, (and honestly, does anyone actually do this, or do they just think they are hip something?) Then please, please for the love of God, say you’re not gonna watch the game and will just be getting drunk.
*The fact that Kwanzaa is pretty much treated as a joke is an undeniably racist phenomenon worth further consideration, but we’ll have to save that for another post, I’ve used up my curmudgeon allotment for the month.