We live in chaotic times, zany times, whacky times, and nothing’s whackier than science, is it? In tribute to the amazing scientific breakthroughs of 2012 I decided to do some research into what we can expect to see next year from the bionic boffins and energetic eggheads who make this world the place it is. Here are 10 amazing scientific innovations that will become a reality in 2013!
1. Sea Monkeys from Mars:
The basic building blocks of life itself.
Yep, you read that correctly. A little-published fact about the recent Curiosity mission to Mars is that the rover discovered several amino acid precursors – most of which are capable of predictable behaviors when exposed to liquid water. “These potential proteins will automatically react with each other, forming distinct groups of geometrically consistent conformations,” said NASA spokesman Rolf Kopter. “In fact, these things will be commercially available by mid-2013 as ‘cosmic sea monkeys’. It’s a great way to teach kids and adults alike the so-called secrets of Life, though I must emphasize that these acids are not actually alive!” All you will need is a bowl and some common tap water. Fill the bowl, tip in your little booty of Martian molecules, and watch in amazement as the chemical chain reaction produces ever-growing clusters of proto-organic material – and in wonderful shapes unique to each amino acid precursor type! Gonna be freakin’ awesome.
2. Dog Translators:
This man has actually been talking to “biatches” for years.
Earlier this year, Professor Bernese Papillon of the renowned Haute école spécialisée de Suisse occidentale university announced that, following over 50 years of intense study, a language known as “Doggish” had been established and most humans would be fluent in it by 2018. According to Prof. Papillon, Doggish is remarkably comprehensive; it uses over 300 selective grunts, whines, growls and barks just to define a certain type of lamb chop fat commonly dispensed to our canine pets by their dining masters during meals. “It’s fascinating!” said the professor, “Just last week we discovered that all poodles detest Doberman Pinschers simply due to the arrogant way they pronounce the word for ‘carabiner leash adjuster’!” Less than a week after Papillon’s announcement, a major biotechnology company contacted him about developing an instrument that can record and catalog every single known Doggish word. The device, known as Howler Mk. 1, will be commercially available in some stores by February, 2013. It is believed that the application will completely revolutionize the quality of life for the blind, whose seeing-eye dogs will now have somebody to discuss life with. And, as Papillon, a famous animal rights campaigner says, “We can finally find out if those huskies really do like pulling sleds around in the Arctic”. The Howler Mk. 1 won’t be cheap, but if you can afford it, you’re in for a treat and your dog will be eternally grateful.
3. Edible Cars:
A few years ago, cars that run on vegetable oil caused a sensation (and a lovely French fry aroma if you were caught behind one on the road), but prepare to truly “eat and run” in 2013. Why’s that, you ask: Edible cars! Edible cars are the brainchild of Algernon “Pencil” Tashman, so called because he carries a notebook with him at all times so as not to miss the chance to jot down equations he may need for one of his many inventions (he also invented the “Recyclable Big Mac”, a hamburger made from a pioneering form of “memory plasticizer” that could be eaten like normal food but which reforms all of its molecular bonds inside the intestines. The original product can then be pooped out, washed, and eaten again. The idea never caught on). The edible car, dubbed variously as the “Sushi Suzuki”, the “Gnawed Ford”, the “Calamari Ferrari”, the “Saab Kebab” and the “Tapioca Toyota”, is a surprisingly sturdy little beast. With an outer taco shell covering a layer of spiced beans with a choice of chicken or beef, the aerodynamics are described as “splendicious”. The tires are constructed from a material similar to circus peanuts, and the windows are candy glass. The fuel is, of course, vegetable oil, and there’s a choice of an engine block and drive train made from either donuts or French fries. The only drawback is that the vehicle must be used only once, and consumed at the end of one’s motor session. Gonna be awesome for tailgating, and in those States where marijuana’s legal…
4. Walk-In Movies:
You’ve heard of walk-in closets, right? Well, sh*t’s about to get real because, coming next summer, we will have walk-in movies! The technology necessary for this to happen has actually existed for decades, but was a closely guarded secret the whole time. In October, the CIA sold the patent for a whopping $800 billion to a large consortium of the biggest movie companies and film studios in the world, allowing several walk-in movies to be made every year. There are no wires, helmets, attachments or other constraints involved. The walk-in viewer – sorry, participant – needs merely to enter a controlled environment (movie theaters look out) where they can literally walk about inside 3-D classics such as Casablanca, The Wizard of Oz, The Godfather or Beerfest as if they were in the script all along! Animated movies won’t be offered for this experience as, according to a secret CIA document, people who entered animated movies remained permanently in cartoon form and shortly thereafter went completely insane. It is rumored that there’s a top secret mental institution that houses several of these cartoon people, but no amount of counseling has been successful in preparing them for a return to “flesh and blood” society. But screw them – we got 3-D walk-in movies!!!
5. Brain-Fart Valves:
The surgical procedure known as trepanning – in which an instrument called a trephine is used to cut out a round piece of the skull – has been practiced for hundreds, if not thousands, of years; ancient humans would drill into their skulls in order to release bad spirits, and modern humans still use the technique as a means to relieve intacranial pressure. The common theme here is one in which a certain force, or agency, is allowed to exit through the circular incision, to the benefit (or not) of the patient. This year it was discovered that all of these operations were essentially attempts to rid the sufferer of “brain-farts“. Brain-farts are an understudied affliction known to cause muddled thinking, sh*t-talking, miscalculations and general cluelessness and are a serious threat to the maintenance of a civilized society. Now the pressure is off! The brain-fart valve will be available under local anesthetic beginning the fall of 2013 at most local clinics, involving a brief trepanning and the insertion of a regulator that can be adjusted to accommodate different brain-fart velocities (it is believed that some people will actually prefer to leave a small amount of fart pressure in the cranium for “buffering” purposes). Consequently, President Obama has promised “an end to our problems and a US return to the very pinnacle of the IQ Mountain.” We’ll see.
As you can see, 2013 will see plenty of new gizmos and gadgetry for us little monkeys to mess with. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait…